Yes, the title is facetious.
And no, I do not have all the answers. But I did one. And I made some deliberate choices which helped me do one without corrections, so there's that.
And I realize that sometimes when people ask for help about writing, they are truly referring to "hacking": How can I get my thesis done, as brilliantly as possible, with minimal existential pain?
I enter, with more than my fair share of confidence. If I am not a good scientist, and not a good writer, that is fair. But I am good at trying to get from A to B with minimal frills.
We do not like to think about a PhD as something to "hack". It is the glorious embodiment of our education. It is a reflection of our academic identity. It is the start of a glorious career in science...
1. Perfection is the enemy of good
So my first tip is this: stop thinking this way. You are more than your thesis. You are more than the circumstances and messy data and learning curves you have experienced during this time. The point of your thesis is to learn to do big science. Yes, the academic world and career market is more competitive than ever. Yes, your colleagues and institutions and funders have expectations. Yes, for many of us, our perfectionism is the result of anxiety and an already greater-than-average sense of imposter syndrome, especially if we are minorities or marginalized groups.
But here is the reality: few theses are great. And many are not as good as you think they should be. And that is fine. A good thesis is one where you performed your scientific niche to the best of your ability, and finished it. Is it nice to have a perfect thesis? I'm sure it is, but I wouldn't know because I didn't produce one. And I have never read one that was, even by scientists I admire.
In general, an easy way to take advantage of this advice is to write, and write often. Shitty first drafts I made in my first year of my PhD were extremely helpful in formulating my final draft, even if it meant a bit of re-structuring and editing. Rather write badly in the beginning and edit than go through the effort of trying to make your first draft perfect in the month you are trying to finish. (And no, I am not attacking you directly; we all do this).
2. Focus on what is necessary
This brings me to my second tip: calm down about what you need to learn for your thesis. Is coding in R or Python useful? Yes. Is it necessary? That depends. Minimize your time spent learning things that are not useful for either your end goal or OTHER goals. Learning programming languages because you wish to diversify your career options post-graduation is noble. But many a great thesis has it's data stored and analysed in Excel.
Similarly, theses written in LaTeX are fine, if you find it useful. But, to be honest, if it doesn't save you time, you can produce a very beautiful document in word or even google docs (I am a big Evangelist of Google Drive). If you do know R or python, use them to limit what else you NEED to learn by writing your thesis in them.
The most important thing you need is a referencing program in whatever you are working with. Decide what to use early on, because, to be honest, they all are incredibly useful, but have treacherous buggy natures. (Relevant side note: make time to sort out references at the end of your thesis regardless of your referencing program).
The main point I am trying to make is that if it doesn't make your life easier, you are not a "bad scientist" for not knowing how to use a program or technique you do not need. This wastes time and increases your anxiety.
3. Manipulation
My third tip is the actual "hacking" advice: try to get in the mind of your examiners and/or committee. I spent an exorbitant amount of time reading what examiners want, and, to be honest, it's pretty straightforward when you think about it. I'm not even worried about a backlash for writing this, since I'm sure most examiners will be relieved.
If you know less stats than your potential examiners, then keep it simple. Trying complicated things you do not fully understand is risky. But describing a boxplot is probably good enough for your purposes, and, more importantly, more likely to be accurate. Good science can be simple.
On the other hand... use some smoke and mirrors. Learning to make "pretty" charts and graphs, having an attractive layout, asking for some grammatical editing from friends or university facilities are VERY important. An attractive, well laid-out, easy to read thesis goes a long way. Even if the content is otherwise flawed. This is unfortunate, and I hope your content and science is fine, but you can get away with a lot if your thesis is pretty.
Similarly, the most important section in your thesis is your introduction. Make sure it is well thought out, well-edited, and clearly lays out the foundation of your argument. Once again, it is unfortunate, but I have a sneaky suspicion (*cough cough* and have been told outright) that most examiners know whether they will pass you by the end of this section alone.
The second most important section? Your reference list. Your examiners want to make sure you've engaged with their research. (Academics are... well... not humble people on average).
Finally... ask for help
From Twitter, from friends, from your supervisor, from me. A thesis can feel very lonely and isolating. Many people feel they do not understand enough, or do not know enough. This isn't true, and learning is a part of this process. Everyone writing one goes through it, even though many may seem so "on the ball". Most of the time this is a persona projected to cope with their own anxiety, and not a reflection on reality. Even if it were, that person or people might have faced a different earlier learning experience to you, or the space is made more comfortable for people more like them (neurotypical, previous academic family, white, male, etc.) In my experience, this rarely translates to a better thesis.
Having said that, I understand being vulnerable is not easy and might make you feel worse. So feel free to message or email me if you would prefer a more private, or more removed, person to contact.